=divisal

It's me, you see.

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.These current times.

Journal Entry: Sat May 9, 2009, 7:31 AM

Mood: Anguish
Listening to: I Don't Know - Lisa Hannigan
Watching: Furniture being moved in across the street.
Playing: Clueless
Drinking: In the sun

things should get cancelled.

So I guess stressful situations are attracted to me.
Perhaps.
Perhaps I walk into things that are meant for someone with a backbone and a cold heart and walk away damaged and cold.
This has happened more than I could count.
I sacrifice "friendships" for the betterment of myself.
[which is probably, in all actuality, needs to be done]
[doesn't mean it won't hurt to let go]

Do you feel abandoned?
--of course I do.
How long do you think you'll feel that way?
--I'd like to think forever so I could forget you all.
Of course you do.

The conversations that I've been having with myself lately go 'round and 'round in circles and always come to me feeling less of a person.
Someone 'not so close to me' has said that I should be angry at the fact that my feelings are being manipulated.
Perhaps.
Perhaps I just like saying perhaps.
Perhaps I just like saying.
Perhaps I just like.
That's my problem. I just like things the way they are.
I do not love them.
I do not hate them.
I am content with my surroundings and everything I do or say or anything and everything other people say or do for that matter.
My biggest lesson would be to learn to love the things that make me happy and not be content with that. I want to live life in love with life. I know there are things that are missing in my life and I am happy at this moment in time. I will go back. Rather, I would like to hope that I will go back. If not, I hope to come out on top regardless or my decisions and indecisiveness.

Please smile again.
--If you could find a way..
I can't.
--Of course.

I guess this has helped.
Then again --
probably not.

====

_{-well, at least in my mind they should.}

5 Comments

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~Coozalicious May 9, 2009, 8:42:01 PM

~deesse-feerique May 10, 2009, 9:17:11 AM

I want to live life in love with life too.

--
+ "art is what you can get away with" - a.w. +

~tanyazpics May 16, 2009, 1:35:01 PM

--
Don't shrink your dreams to fit inside the box... Expand the box to fit your dreams.

~citizenvisuelle Jun 6, 2009, 11:20:04 PM

your description of how you feel exactly matches what has been happening in my head lately..about having the feeling of being thrown into situations that I don't feel really prepared for.. of feeling that there is a certain limit to things I can take but then in an instance it all pours down on me as if that limit I clearly feel would just be a joke on my part and not something to notice.
And it's just..exactly the same with people surrounding me and how I feel for them and how sometimes I feel that it is time to move on and not to keep some kind of skelettons of a friendship alive in order so still say "everything is just like it used to be"
Now..I guess it is somehow at least a bit comforting to see that someone finds exactly the same words I would have to express what is going inside your head.
Reading this makes you feel less alone in your feelings..and less as if an exclusive burden has been put on you , because you realize that many might have these thoughts circling in their head.
There was a time in my life where I kind of found out for myself..that life really wants you to live. I know it sounds strange to personificate life in such a way but for me it helped.
Life wants me to live. And not just in ways that could be easily described by a 1+1=2 formula
but sometimes very difficult , dangerous and unexplicable ways
All I can say is that , you have the ability to go through your feelings and thoughts with such a good and calm way of observation..and you can be happy about that.
Many people don't have anything like a connection to what is happening inside of them..and I guess you have all the instruments it takes to help and support yourself.
Take care!

nova

--
[link]
for the drawing with words..

=divisal Jun 8, 2009, 1:23:00 PM

It's funny - I feel you have the ability to spit out what I try to say. I fumble with words and thoughts so very often and they just come out as a jumbled mess --
There are times when the people I surround myself can make it so hard to surround myself with me. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but I guess I'm trying to say that I get lost sometimes because of the people that press into me too hard and have to find a way out. I've been working on a new layer of tough skin -- i just can't figure out the right time to put it on. Happy to know that I'm not the only one who needs some ''spring cleaning.''
It's always nice to hear from you, Nova.

--
''That which we manifest is before us...''

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